It's been a while...We've been busy making memories :)

I used to be so on top of this blog.

I am going to blame it on being a Momma of 3 with some other side jobs going on as well.

Wife
Mom
Friend
Daughter
Sister
Chauffeur
Advocate
Gala Chair
Photo Taker
Hockey, Gymnastics, Dance, Baseball Momma
Birthday Party Planner
Remme Retreat GO'er

oh and Stage 4 Patient (If I could get rid of one job, believe me it would SO be this one).

Whenever I am having scheduling issues with my clinic, I always end the conversation with.... "You know I don't really have time for Cancer."  It is incredibly true, I don't have time to invest energy into something that has creeped into our lives and taken over.  Maybe that's why I haven't written in a while, it makes me think about what Cancer has done to us, and sometimes I just downright don't want to give it the benefit of the doubt.  It doesn't deserve any more time from me.

The thing I do love about our little family of five though is that we have lived each and every day for past 30 months as if it hasn't taken over.  We have smiled through pain, traveled with those we love, stayed up a little too late after a night out with friends, planned a flippin spectacular and successful gala, celebrated so many Birthdays (I didn't think I was going to see), attended MANY hockey games, dance recitals/competitions, gymnastics practice, baseball games, snuggled, hugged, danced, renewed vows, laughed, cried, and honestly just enjoyed all that life has brought us.

Life has changed a bit these past 7 weeks.  IV chemo once a week has altered our schedule, but because of our army I have been blessed with rides, company and daycare (Dawn), friends (Emily) and family (Mom) to watch Harrison.  We have meals delivered to us twice a week from some pretty amazing people.  Each day I get a card in the mail from someone who is praying for us and sending us love and support.  Every week my sweet neighbor Leah walks over and delivers my "sunshine bag" which includes items from my army that will cheer me up and I can use during my infusions.  I have a pouch in my purse with all of the gift cards sent to us, just to make life a little easier.

I sit in the chemo chair for 3 hours each Monday, we have adjusted my pre-meds (IV Steroid and IV Benadryl) so I don't feel as "jittery" and as if I am "crawling out of my skin".  For those medical friends I was originally getting 25 of IV Decadron and 50 of IV Benadryl.  I haven't experienced much nausea, just a couple food aversions and of course cravings.  Day 2 and 3 are my hardest days, I get incredibly sluggish and sleepy in the afternoons.  But I am usually feeling a ton better by the weekend.  My tumor markers have significantly decreased after a couple rounds of IV Taxol, and I literally have Zero bone pain which are all good signs.

My hair is very much gone, Josh (with his expertise) helped me even everything out with the clippers.  My eyebrows are still on point but my lashes are slowly disappearing.  To be completely honest with you, losing the hair on my head hasn't really bugged me, but my eyelashes (which were always long and thick) have made me tear up a few times.  I know, I know, they are just eyelashes and the medicine is working, but like I said earlier it's just another thing cancer has taken.

People always ask about the kiddos and Josh.  The kiddos are amazing, resilient and positive.  They like when I just wear my caps without my wig (which I think is cute) and they are so sweet when we talk about cancer and raising money for research.  Each time they receive money they have been putting it right in our "cancer research jar."  Josh has been Josh....supportive, helpful, sincere and present.  He isn't a huge fan though of my stuffy nose from taxol which in turn makes me a loud sleeper :)

I opened up the computer tonight not really knowing what to write.  Life has changed in so many ways, but in so many ways we haven't let it either.

We just know that we are on this ride with so many wonderful people.  We are truly blessed with the all of the support from everyone.  I am always blown away with the generosity and love.

A day doesn't go by that I'm not blanketed in love by my army.  I am blessed beyond words.

Maybe my next blog post will be next year and I won't have to even talk about Cancer because it has quieted down and let us just live life ... one can hope and pray that that will be the case :)   I have an amazing team who are working to make it happen :)

Lots of love everyone xoxoxo

Erin

I call this post... Word Vomit

I literally just googled ...  "the act of getting things out of your head."  As if that is some type of thing.  Like a delete button you can press to eliminate some of the petty thoughts, worries, daily tasks, frustrations, negative energy. 

It's a really good thing that I don't have much of the above, but please don't get me wrong I am not Wonder Woman.  I feel like these things slowly creep into my mind the week leading up to my scan.  I start to notice every ache and pain.  My hip starts to bother me immensley.  I start to play head games like...


I am super tired... oh my god it's the cancer

I don't have energy.... crap it's the cancer

My hip hurts... dang the cancer has awoken

There is a spot on the back of my head that is bugging me... holy crap brain mets

Why do I have hiccups.... OMG I have liver mets.



Thankfully I am surrounded by the most amazing people on the planet.  My community of family and friends is un-heard of and for this I continue to thank God for.  Because all of those things rushing around in my head seem to disappear when my peeps show up.  I love each and every one of you. 

I cannot begin to imagine going through this without you.

My scans are Wednesday. 

I am scared.

I am trying not to be.

I hate this feeling of being out of control.

I don't want to switch meds.

I like these ones.

I want to be "normal" again

So as I am writing this.  I notice one thing.  All of my worries started with I. 

So:

We got this.

We love so much it hurts.

We live each day like it's our last.

We make memories.

We hug, laugh, kiss, dance.

We support us.

We look to the sky and call on our guardian angels to blanket us in peace.

We can do anything.


I hope everyone knows how much I adore and love each of you.

Snow Angels for Erin on Instagram and Facebook.  SO FLIPPIN Cool!!  
Over $10,000 Raised for Stage 4 Breast Cancer Research!!  SHUT UP!!  you guys rock!
The STMA volleyball team raising over $3000 for our family!  SO generous and amazing!
Disney upgrading our family to the presidential suite!  
My family watching my babies so we could attend the Metsquarade in SW Florida.
Friends traveling with us to Jamaica....priceless memories.
My Beautiful Birthday Party thrown by my beautiful coworkers.  
My best friend taking pictures of my baby girl in my wedding dress.  love.
The best daycare gal around who drops anything to help watch turbo when needed.
Our families who constantly are re-arranging their lives to help support us and our busy schedule, making it possible to travel and make memories!
And don't forget the endless amount of texts, cards, support, and gifts that we have received.


We are blessed and we are loved.

Wow.

I think I just did it.

I deleted everything.

Well everything bad.

I am holding on to each and every one of you.

Thank you ....

I will keep you all posted with my results. 

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  Psalm 23:4

xoxoxoxoxo
Erin

Ummm...I'm due for an update

Sorry friends....It looks like life got a little hectic these past couple months. 

I pulled my blog up and my last post was in May...oops.

A lot has happened these past few months, it almost seems a little blurry.  My surgery was in May and we finally moved into our Brand Spankin New house in July.

Oh we just love love love our house.  It was a lot of work to once again move, but we are so excited to be back in the neighborhood we adore.  The house is more amazing than we ever could have imagined, and it is so fun to see our vision come together!  We ended up only putting 3 bedrooms upstairs this time....and we are so glad we did as no one sleeps in their own rooms anyways!  It's like musical beds every night at the Remme House.  I guess we just have kids that like to cuddle :)  I will have to do a whole separate post with some fun pics from the house!  I even ship-lapped a bathroom!  All by myself...with power tools even!

I took a leave of absence from the hospital in May for my surgery.  As my leave went on, my pain in my bones (mostly right hip and mid back) got significantly worse and my tumor markers kept on climbing.  Tumor markers aren't always indicative of progression, but with the increased pain we were concerned.  I had a PET/CT Scan in September that showed hyper-metabolic spots in some of my previous bone mets.  Nothing too significant, and I wouldn't even say progression, just enough to have my oncologist change up my meds, to prevent any type of progression throughout the bones or progression to another organ. 

I started my new meds 16 days ago.  Yes I know the exact number, as these 16 days haven't been my favorite.  It started with significant nausea and extreme fatigue.  It seems to be getting a little more tolerable as the days pass, but still an adjustment.  A cycle consists of 3 weeks on of this new med (Ribociclib/Kisquali) and 1 week off.  I have been getting weekly labs drawn, and todays labs weren't great.  My immune system is crap......the new meds have knocked down my blood counts, so we need to take a week break from them and hope that my body responds.  They just do not want me to get sick.  So I will continue to take my letrozole (aromatase inhibitor/lowers estrogen production) daily and we will see what next week brings.  I am not going to lie, I am a little pumped to have a bit of a break from the new med.  The kiddos still don't know about all of the things going on with me, but I truly like it this way (for the time being)  I love that they don't worry, and I love just being a Mom to them. 

I officially resigned from Maple Grove Hospital a couple weeks ago.  It was with a very heavy heart that I said good-bye.  My priorities have shifted, and my babies need their Momma at home.  Mr. Harrison and I are continuing to figure out our groove while Big Bro and Big Sis are at school, but we are enjoying the extra time to cuddle and play.  (He is becoming quite the Momma's boy, which I am ok with :) 

Carter is loving 2nd grade.  He has no complaints and loves school, learning, recess and friends.  He is a pretty smart cookie and I am always so impressed with his math skills! Hockey started back up a couple weeks ago and he is doing great!  3rd year mite already....time flies.  Carter turned 8 in September and is wearing a size 4 shoe....Where or where did my baby go?? 

Reese started Kindergarten this fall and is absolutely loving it.  She pops up every morning, ready to go.  She has the same teacher Carter had for Kindergarten and we couldn't be happier.  Such a blessing to have a teacher that has such a passion for your kiddos!  Reese continues to excel at gymnastics (she was just asked to move up to intermediates) and she is trying out competition dance this year too!  She made the Baby Company Team at Millenium Dance Company here in Albertville.  Reese is also in hockey!  (And absolutely loving it)  She is taking after her big brother!

And little Mr Harrison turned 2 in August!  He is talking more and more each day.  He definitely gets away with a lot more than the older two kiddos ever did.  But we all agree those blue eyes and dimples are just too adorable to be too mad at for too long.  He sure has a big heart though.  I am enjoying our 1 on 1 time together and it has been a lot of fun getting to know Harrison without any distractions :)

Josh and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary in August.  We have been together for over 15 years but married for 10!  Holy cow, I can still remember when he asked me out in High School.  It truly seems like yesterday.  We celebrated with an amazing trip to San Diego over labor day.  It was a jam packed weekend of exploring the city!  We hadn't even left and we couldn't stop talking about going back! 

Well....there is our Remme Family Update.  Nothing toooo crazy, but we are always shaking things up a bit.  The cold weather is coming, but we are excited for the Holidays and some fun Winter Vacations that we have planned! 

Hope everyone has a fantastic Fall Weekend, enjoying the sun and the beautiful leaves.  Lots of love!!

xoxoxo

Erin

Surgery Update

Hello Friends!

Thought I should maybe slow down for a second and update everyone regarding my surgery.

May 3rd I had a total hysterectomy, including removing my ovaries.  It was laparoscopic and done same-day.

Many have asked why....so I thought I should explain :)

Ovaries....for treatment.   I had been getting an injection in my belly every 3 months (Zoladex) to suppress my ovaries.  My cancer is Hormone positive, meaning it "feeds" off of estrogen, so getting rid of the estrogen in essence starves the cancer cells.  Ovaries are out....no more icky shots in my belly.  Holy crap it felt like a pellet gun....so long, I won't miss that one bit.

The rest of the surgery was a little my choice and my Doctor's recommendations.  Tamoxifen can cause thickening of the uterine lining....and in turn increase your risk for endometrial cancer.....no thank you.  And honestly I knew it was a pretty straight-forward surgery and I just wanted to take it all out.  Just one more place the cancer can go and hide, so I wanted it gone.

I did ask if I could remove any other unnceccessary organs....but that was a no-go.  I was willing to give up my gallbladder....appendix....etc. :)  Only kidding.  I just kept thinking, well lets get rid of any organs the cancer can spread to.   :)

Recovery is going well.  I unfortunately cannot lift Harrison for 6 weeks, which has been really tough.  As we all know that little boy is on the move ALWAYS, so not being able to run after him and pick him up has been hard.  I also have been incredibly tired, I feel like I could take 4 naps a day.

I am truly thankful for all of the help we have received!  My Mom and Josh's Mom have truly been a God Send.

An update regarding the dreaded C Word.

I am not going to lie, my stomach dropped when I saw my lab results last week.  My tumor markers are on the rise again.  This doesn't always correlate with progression so I am trying not to freak myself out, but there is always that little bit of uncertainty when you get results back that aren't ideal.   After my last infusion (last week) I have also noticed an increase in my right hip and upper back pain.  Once again, hoping that is just a side-effect from my Zometa infusion and not correlated with any type of cancer progression.

Worst case scenario after my scans in June, we see progression and we switch meds.  Fingers crossed the pain isn't a sign of progression and I continue to be stable.

My kiddos still have no idea what is going on....which, honestly I love.  I love being just their Mommy, I love that they don't have to worry yet.  I know we will have to walk down that path eventually, but not now.

I am going to leave you with this.....

My kiddos have been watching Tangled in the car, and there is a part that makes me think every time I hear it.  Flynn is singing to Rapunzel and this is what he says:

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were


It reminds me of my life.  I have truly been blessed with an opportunity to take each moment in.   Whether it is the smile on Carter's face when I pick him up from school, the 900th time that I watch Reese do a cartwheel or the smell of Harrison's hair when I am reading him a book.  All of those moments are what make life .... life.

Goodnight friends, Hope each of you enjoy the Memorial Day Weekend.

xoxo - erin

Mixed Feelings

I have opened up this computer about 10 times since Friday.

And each time I just can't think of the words to say.

I had my scans on Friday morning.  We needed to change up the plan since Reesey got the stomach flu Wednesday morning (my original scan day).

And of course I got the bug on Thursday evening.  I was able to keep my CT contrast down and off I went to my scans.

My CT was in the morning, I was injected for my bone scan and then had a couple hours to wait.

I called one of my best friends (Sarah) who kept me company with coffee and a trip to the nail salon for a pedicure :)

Went back to Humphrey Cancer Center and finished with my Bone Scan.

The plan wasn't to see my oncologist, but she called into the imaging room to say she would like to see me after my scan.

Booooo....my stomach dropped.  You learn quickly that these "in person" visits might mean bad news.

She explained to me that she wanted to catch me and talk over my CT results in person before I saw it on my patient portal.

The CT contrast this time around was able to give us a good view of the solid organs.

There were two spots noted on my liver.

Ugh....

Stomach churning....

She began explaining that these two spots have been there from the beginning, they just didn't light up with my PET scans.

So, what does this mean.

IF these are cancer METS, they are stable and not active.

However, she did explain that they didn't light up on my two previous PET scans meaning they were not hyper-metabolic like cancer Mets are.

So, we pray and hope that they are just "spots"

I really in my head wanted to keep the cancer in my bones for as long as possible.  And if they were in my liver to begin with it just makes me a little sad and scared.

BUT, I was reminded by 2 of my Stage 4 sisters....It doesn't matter where this crap is....it is how well you respond with treatment.

And....for this I am thankful.

No progression, same treatment plan, scans in 3 months :)

UGH....that actually felt good to write down.

Now we move on.

I am not going to worry about "tomorrow"

I am going to live today.

Thank you for all of the prayers and well wishes this week.

xoxoxo - erin

A New Year

New Years hasn't ever been a Holiday I get too excited about.  It has always been a fun time with family, but never a big ordeal (I think I actually went to bed before midnight last year because I was sleep deprived from my at the time 4 month old).

This year was different.

I couldn't wait to welcome 2017.

I actually want to say a big F U to 2016.

It was a year of change to say the least.

I was all ready to forget 2016 until this past week when I received our "Remme Family 2016" Chatbook in the mail.  In it contained over 362 photos.  362 memories.  Memories of my littles, my amazing husband, my family, our friends, my coworkers.

So despite 2016 being the year that changed our life forever.  2016 also had some amazing moments too.

It is how everything in life goes.  You can sit there and dwell on the crap that gets thrown your way and push it aside and say F U.  or you can look past that and really focus on the good.  The good that came out of the year.  The memories, the fun, the smiles, the love.

Take a peek at our 2016 book link below:

The Remme Family 2016 Chatbook



     

Cheers to 2017, but also Cheers to 2016....and the memories we made.

Christmas Love

This diagnosis sure has sent me on a roller-coaster of a ride.  I have gotten really good at shutting off the "scary" thoughts.  Like when I was wrapping presents, or when the kiddos were opening gifts Christmas morning....Those scary thoughts creeeeeep in without warning, but thankfully I can kick them out as soon as they came in.  I refuse to live my life thinking "Is this my last"

I WILL GO INSANE.

And once again, everyone could say that.  No one is promised tomorrow.

We had an amazing last couple weeks.

My self-employed rock star of a husband was able to take a 4 day weekend over Christmas.  Whoop!  (Hardly ever happens)

Carter had school on Friday so Josh was able to do the whole drop off and pick-up which was a fun treat for everyone involved!

We picked Carter up from school at 2 and then headed to Carissa and Eric's house to celebrate with Josh's family.  What a fun, relaxing night.  The kids played, played and played some more!  We are so lucky the 4 of them get along so well.  The night was full of yummy food, good company and lots of amazing gifts!  

Cousin Love

Making our Ginger Bread Village!

We headed back home on Christmas Eve and hosted my family.  My Mom, Erin and Brandon came over to celebrate, along with Erin's parents Chuck and Patti!  The kids had a blast out on our rink ....Harrison even joined in on the fun.

We enjoyed my Mom's yummy lasagna...played some games and opened up even MORE gifts!

Harrison and Uncle Bran

My sweet babe

Daddy and Harrison

Reesey with Auntie Erin

A Christmas Tradition!  Baking sugar cookies with Nana!

Carter got his Lamborghini!

A pinata full of suckers!!!  This boy was in HEAVEN!

We snuggled up in bed, and waited for the magic of Santa.

The kids were in bed late and up oh so early (the life with little ones on Christmas)

FINALLY asleep

ALL smiles for this girly!

LOVING his new mower

Our sweet babes

Christmas Day was spent at my Aunt and Uncle's in Lakeville.  A fun day always.  Santa and Mrs. Clause even made an appearance.  If laughter is the best medicine, then day was full of it! (Especially during the Telestrations (adult version) game!

We are blessed

We are thankful

and we had a blast celebrating Baby Jesus

Hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas as well.

It truly is a magical time of the year :)