Back to Blogging

Well, I haven't blogged since 2014.  I wish I was starting it back up for FUN reasons....BUT I get to start sharing updates about a silly thing called Breast Cancer.

For all of you that know me however, this blog will definitely serve the purpose of documenting our family memories, as it always has....just with a couple inserts here and there to make sure everyone has the latest and greatest info when it comes to my health.

To recap....

On September 1st, I saw my OB for a lump....a silly, icky lump that just seemed bigger since I had finished nursing Harrison.  Well, let me tell you, by the look on her face I knew it wasn't good.  I was in getting a mammogram within 2 hours and a biopsy 2 hours after that.  They didn't tell me it was breast cancer as we had to wait for the results to come back....but words like "this is very concerning" and it definitely resembles "cancer" was all we needed to hear.

If any of you are concerned about something a lump, a bump a whatever I highly recommend DO NOT go in before labor day weekend....because let me tell you, 4 days feels like an ETERNITY to wait.

Tuesday came, we got the call....it is in fact Breast Cancer.  Ductal Carcinoma, Estrogen and Progesterone positive and HER2 negative (more on that to come).

I don't even want to remember which day this was....and I probably blocked it out of memory for good reason, but I then went in for further imaging.  A breast MRI confirmed that there were spots on my sternum and my ribs.

.......Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.......what?

There isn't even breast cancer in my family....I am 31....what?

I will spare you the details but my mind was racing.....I started googling (bad idea).  I called a support number I found online.  A very sweet woman from who knows where calmed me down.  She talked to me for an hour.  A woman I didn't even know.  She talked to me about her friends who are 14 years out (with stage 4).  She talked to me about how great it is that mine is Hormone Positive.  She talked to me about clinical trials and ALL of the medications out there for my cancer.

I started to breathe, and shift my focus.  I was scared and all I could think about was not being here for my babies.  Breathe.....Breathe.....Breathe.

A PET scan soon followed.  JUST in my bones......(we had to laugh that we were taking a positive every time we could get one!)

My oncology appointment went great, as you know I am a planner and a "do'er"  It felt good to come up with a plan.  I trust her.  I felt so good in her presence.  We have a plan.

This is where it gets confusing.

Stage 4 Metastatic CANCER.  LETS GET THIS BEAST.  CHEMO, RADIATION, MASTECTOMY LETS do this!

Yeah.....not the plan.  It has left my lymph system.  It is here to stay.  (remission is our goal).

Quality of life becomes extremely important now.  How can we tame the beast without making my life miserable.

We start with hormone treatments.  BRING on the menopause.  I take a pill a day (Tamoxifen) and an injection of Zoladex once a month to suppress my ovaries.  NO MORE Estrogen to feed the cancer.

We need to save the other tools in our tool box for later....when it gets smart and stops responding to the medications.

Fortunately, like I said earlier.....with my type of Breast Cancer we have options.  And when one med stops working you just pray there are more to try!

An emotional roller coaster...my mind wanders....but I think being a Mommy helps put me right back into normal life mode.   (You know that life before the C word came along).

We still haven't told the kids....I have some amazing books given to us by a dear friend.  Right now, that's my normal.  I am Mom.  Yes, eventually we will have to talk.  But right now I need this.  I need to just be Mom to them.  My hair will stay (for now), so no questions to answer when it comes to that.  I am sure they know something is up....but at this point they are going about their little lives as they always have.  Their Mom just may or may not be saying I love you a million more times a day and snuggling and kissing them 24-7.

That's my cancer update.

No .... Why Me?
No ..... This F'ing sucks
No ..... STUPID CANCER
No .... poor me

Because I can't go there.  My mind doesn't work that way.  (OF COURSE all of those things enter into my brain throughout a given day)  But I can't go there tonight.

Carpe Diem.  All of us have the same fate.  It's just a little scarier when you have an idea as to what yours is.  But NONE of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  I learned this from my Dad (passed away from a car accident at age 36).

He lived every day like it was his last.  He didn't know he was going to leave us too soon.  But I can guarantee he wouldn't have changed the way he lived, because he truly seized each and every day.

I cannot even begin to explain how AMAZING everyone has been.  We are in awe of the support and love.  I don't cry about the cancer anymore.  I am in tears EVERY single day when I think about all of you.  The cards, messages, hugs, prayers, meals, gifts, essential oils, help with moving, mowing the lawn, assembling our play set, help with car-pooling, comfy outfits, books, Harrison's Birthday Party, Gift cards, Coffee, Photography sessions....and last but definitely not least....the donations......  HOLY COW you guys rock my face off.  seriously.  Your are amazing and we are so thankful for everything.

Oh and one more really neat item:  While at dinner my Mom said my Dad came to her in a dream.  He stood there clear as day and said "The Meds are working."  My Mom said it was "too soon to know."  And he responded, "No i know."

And for all of you that knew my Dad .... He was ALWAYS right.  So lets just hold onto that.  I don't need silly statistics or research studies right now.  It makes my heart happy knowing that my Angels have my back.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11