Accepting Grace

I was gifted an amazing book, Hoping for More, by Deanna A. Thompson, a religion professor at Hamline University.  8 years ago she was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.

The day I found out I was stage IV, I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.  Pre-Cancer days I would have just waited to see if they left a voicemail and call back if deemed necessary.  Well....now with all of the clinics/results blah blah blah I was answering every random number just in case someone was calling me to say this was all some big mix-up.  (just a little bit of wishful thinking).

Well this call, on a particularly crappy day....was from our church.  It was as if God knew I needed that call right then and there.  Our minister of spiritual care was on the line.  She asked if this was an ok time to talk.  I was balling, but said yes....  She proceeded to tell me that someone had submitted my name into the prayer requests and was calling to get permission to add my name to the bulletin/weekly prayers and to check in with myself and my family.  She knew I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, but very few at this point knew the stage IV information.

I lost it.  The tears wouldn't stop.  She was so sweet, and helpful and wonderful.  I asked her a lot of questions about what her experience has been with people that were passing away from cancer, and if they were at peace, and if they were scared etc.  My mind was racing, and she was there, she was there to calm my nerves and remind me God has this, God is here and God isn't going anywhere.

She proceeded to tell me she has a dear friend that is a religion professor who is currently living with Stage IV breast cancer.  She said she wrote a book about her experience.  The one thing I very much remember from the conversation was that this woman was still alive 8 YEARS after she was diagnosed.

HOPE.

Hope is a funny word.  You don't really think about it until you NEED it.  There are little glimmers of HOPE everywhere.  You just have to keep your heart and mind open to it.  If you close either of those off....you won't see those glimmers.

Well, fast forward a couple weeks.  A sweet sweet friend of mine (who has the most genuine caring heart) remembered the name of this book after her and I had talked about it and ordered it for me!   AND I received an amazing package in the mail from our Minister of Spiritual Care.  In it was the book also!!  I couldn't bring myself to read it however.  I for some reason was afraid of what I might find behind the cover.

 I am a member of a Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer group for Women under 40.  I have found if I get too much information, or hear negative stories about how Cancer has ruined lives I deviate from myself....I get scared and negative and that just isn't me.  Well, I was scared that this book would do the same.  I would hear someone else's story about how Cancer has ruined them.

I was so very wrong.  Deanna has done such a wonderful job of capturing the struggles of a Stage IV diagnosis.  She talks about her own Faith and her experience as a Mother/Wife/Daughter who has been dealt this card in life.

My purpose for this particular blog post....

I think one of the MOST difficult things for me these past 2 months has been accepting grace.  Deanna talks a lot about this struggle as well.  I truly do not even know how to explain to you how much the donations, gestures, help, messages, hugs, phone calls, gifts and prayers have meant.  I have learned that without this Grace, we wouldn't be here functioning the way we are today.  We are surrounded by so much love and we are so thankful for this grace.

It is extremely difficult to go from the person who is always the one "planning" or "giving" to the person who is accepting such grace.

My husband (the laid back, says it how it is type) reminds me, "if you weren't a kind person, these people wouldn't want to do this for you."  (Pretty much his way of saying, stop worrying about accepting these gifts and understand they are doing this because they love you).

Cancer does some crazy things.

Most obvious is cancer will cause physical pain and changes in your body.  I am reminded of this when I feel the aches and pains in my bones.

Cancer can make people treat you differently (both good and bad).  I am starting to learn this as well.  Thankfully MOST of my interactions are all amazing and good!  And those bad interactions....well I am learning quickly that my energy should be focused on kicking Cancer's Ass instead of worrying about those interactions.  My energy should be for the people who rock our world with their AMAZING-NESS!

But honestly, the best thing about Cancer (which don't get me wrong I would rather have it gone than have to learn this particular lesson) is I have been able to receive such Grace from people.  People we know, people we don't know, people who just have kind hearts and want to give.  

I have a copy of Deanna's book for you to borrow if you would like.  It is an amazing glimpse into one's struggle with Faith, accepting grace and the journey of a Cancer diagnosis.

I will leave you with this....a quote from the chapter Grace Amidst Ruins:

"While no one or no thing could alleviate the pain, the grief, or disorientation cancer brought to our lives, each of these persons and each of these gifts ushered glimpses of grace into the Advent darkness."  - Deanna A. Thompson (Hoping for More)