Heigh-Ho Heigh-Ho It's off to work I go

Well it has been a busy couple weeks for us here in the Remme House.  I officially went back to work last week (November 14th).  10 whole weeks after I was officially diagnosed with the C WORD.

But let me tell you....I am not like the average person who cringes when you say the word...WORK.

I am learning I am one of those lucky ones....you know one of those people who actually LOVES their work.

And by LOVES my work, I mean, I LOVE my peeps.

I am blessed.  I work at an amazing place called Maple Grove Hospital.  I am surrounded by fantastic, loving, dedicated, compassionate, caring people.

I found this awesome quote by Deborah Day....

"Encourage, lift and strengthen one another.  For the positive energy spread to one will be felt by us all."

The support that we have received from this special place has been exponential.  I have to share the TWO....yes TWO pumpkins that were submitted to our annual pumpkin contest.

One came with Jo Jo Gaines Ship Lap and All.  :)

The girls even did some research and added a ribbon that represents Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer.  I couldn't even believe it when I saw this!

And then came another one!  

My education team decorated this awesome pink, glamorous, spectacular pumpkin!!!

And lets not forget about my office the day I came back.

My sister in law may or may not have had something to do with this.  And my Brother may or may not have had something to do with the GIGANTIC unicorn balloon!

That morning I walked up the stairwell to my office, thinking.....the last time I was here I dropped everything because of a lump I found.  How could life be so drastically different 2 1/2 months later.  A strange feeling came over me....a feeling of uncertainty, saddness and despair.  I couldn't help but wish that I was just back to "normal" (you know those pre-cancer days).

I opened my office door and was instantly met with love, kindness, hope, faith, courage and support.  Those "icky" feelings (I like to call them) were all of a sudden a thing of the past.  My tears were flowing.  I read each and every sweet message from everyone.  And then I went to read the daily devotion that was left there for me.  Here is a little exert:

Pray Big. Think Big.  Believe Big.  

"Because of your faith, you will be heard."  You bring to yourself what you believe.

Really?  How perfect was that....and no lie.....it was from November 14th.

For those of you who ask for an update:  I will be working 3 days a week as the Educator for the Family Birth Center.  It is a wonderful combo of getting time at home with my babies and spending some time in "adult" land surrounded by awesome people :)

I of course need to maintain my benefits (now more than ever), but I truly believe that for my own health and sanity, keeping my mind busy and feeling a sense of normalcy will help me heal.

Last but definitely not least my coworkers have once again gone above and beyond by Rallying for the Remme's.  A special coworker has signed up each week to love on us.  

This has been based off of the 5 love languages:

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

I have received a prayer shawl, a sign made especially for me stating "She Believed She Could and So She Did," an angel of courage, an awesome cookbook, a great daily devotional via CD, an amazing glittery faith sign, beautiful flowers on my birthday and so many more creative and amazing things.

I have spent time with each individual, whether at coffee, during lunch or on a walk.  They have also come to baby sit our kiddos while Josh and I spend some quality time at dinner.  

Seriously......How can I be so lucky.  Lucky to have such amazing people in my life.  I am blessed.

Blessed with a great support system.

Thank you.

Thank you Maple Grove for making it "easy" to come back to "work"

Thank you for loving us

Thank you for your prayers

Thank you for just being you

Accepting Grace

I was gifted an amazing book, Hoping for More, by Deanna A. Thompson, a religion professor at Hamline University.  8 years ago she was diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.

The day I found out I was stage IV, I received a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.  Pre-Cancer days I would have just waited to see if they left a voicemail and call back if deemed necessary.  Well....now with all of the clinics/results blah blah blah I was answering every random number just in case someone was calling me to say this was all some big mix-up.  (just a little bit of wishful thinking).

Well this call, on a particularly crappy day....was from our church.  It was as if God knew I needed that call right then and there.  Our minister of spiritual care was on the line.  She asked if this was an ok time to talk.  I was balling, but said yes....  She proceeded to tell me that someone had submitted my name into the prayer requests and was calling to get permission to add my name to the bulletin/weekly prayers and to check in with myself and my family.  She knew I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, but very few at this point knew the stage IV information.

I lost it.  The tears wouldn't stop.  She was so sweet, and helpful and wonderful.  I asked her a lot of questions about what her experience has been with people that were passing away from cancer, and if they were at peace, and if they were scared etc.  My mind was racing, and she was there, she was there to calm my nerves and remind me God has this, God is here and God isn't going anywhere.

She proceeded to tell me she has a dear friend that is a religion professor who is currently living with Stage IV breast cancer.  She said she wrote a book about her experience.  The one thing I very much remember from the conversation was that this woman was still alive 8 YEARS after she was diagnosed.

HOPE.

Hope is a funny word.  You don't really think about it until you NEED it.  There are little glimmers of HOPE everywhere.  You just have to keep your heart and mind open to it.  If you close either of those off....you won't see those glimmers.

Well, fast forward a couple weeks.  A sweet sweet friend of mine (who has the most genuine caring heart) remembered the name of this book after her and I had talked about it and ordered it for me!   AND I received an amazing package in the mail from our Minister of Spiritual Care.  In it was the book also!!  I couldn't bring myself to read it however.  I for some reason was afraid of what I might find behind the cover.

 I am a member of a Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer group for Women under 40.  I have found if I get too much information, or hear negative stories about how Cancer has ruined lives I deviate from myself....I get scared and negative and that just isn't me.  Well, I was scared that this book would do the same.  I would hear someone else's story about how Cancer has ruined them.

I was so very wrong.  Deanna has done such a wonderful job of capturing the struggles of a Stage IV diagnosis.  She talks about her own Faith and her experience as a Mother/Wife/Daughter who has been dealt this card in life.

My purpose for this particular blog post....

I think one of the MOST difficult things for me these past 2 months has been accepting grace.  Deanna talks a lot about this struggle as well.  I truly do not even know how to explain to you how much the donations, gestures, help, messages, hugs, phone calls, gifts and prayers have meant.  I have learned that without this Grace, we wouldn't be here functioning the way we are today.  We are surrounded by so much love and we are so thankful for this grace.

It is extremely difficult to go from the person who is always the one "planning" or "giving" to the person who is accepting such grace.

My husband (the laid back, says it how it is type) reminds me, "if you weren't a kind person, these people wouldn't want to do this for you."  (Pretty much his way of saying, stop worrying about accepting these gifts and understand they are doing this because they love you).

Cancer does some crazy things.

Most obvious is cancer will cause physical pain and changes in your body.  I am reminded of this when I feel the aches and pains in my bones.

Cancer can make people treat you differently (both good and bad).  I am starting to learn this as well.  Thankfully MOST of my interactions are all amazing and good!  And those bad interactions....well I am learning quickly that my energy should be focused on kicking Cancer's Ass instead of worrying about those interactions.  My energy should be for the people who rock our world with their AMAZING-NESS!

But honestly, the best thing about Cancer (which don't get me wrong I would rather have it gone than have to learn this particular lesson) is I have been able to receive such Grace from people.  People we know, people we don't know, people who just have kind hearts and want to give.  

I have a copy of Deanna's book for you to borrow if you would like.  It is an amazing glimpse into one's struggle with Faith, accepting grace and the journey of a Cancer diagnosis.

I will leave you with this....a quote from the chapter Grace Amidst Ruins:

"While no one or no thing could alleviate the pain, the grief, or disorientation cancer brought to our lives, each of these persons and each of these gifts ushered glimpses of grace into the Advent darkness."  - Deanna A. Thompson (Hoping for More)